The New Adventures of an Old Preacher

Well, at least those of you who will be there!

Terri and I remain very excited (and a little nervous) about co-teaching a class. Our class is entitled “Resisting the Irresistible; Life in the Belly of the Whale”. We teach on Wednesday afternoon at 2pm in the Irvine Reading Room/Payson Library.

I know there are a bunch of great classes, but we do hope you accept our invitation to attend our class. Last year in my class one man told me afterward that he was actually looking for and expecting another class, but he decided to stay! Hey we will take them anyway we get them. lol Please pray for us as we travel and teach.

I will be blogging again after the lectures. As always thanks for dropping in.

Since I have been writing recently about divorce, I thought I would shift gears with this post and address one way to prevent problems that can lead to divorce.

It really broke my heart. I hung up the phone and hung my head. Why? How could he have done it?-my brother, my fellow-preacher, my friend leaving his family? The explanation sounded all too familiar. It involved the internet, a clandestine meeting and ultimately, betrayal.  Another Christian family victimized by the lies of the deceiver.

He certainly knows his business well. It can all begin so innocently. Very few ever really plan to create a legacy of hurt. But Satan exploits whatever chances he gets to the utmost. Just peek in the crack of his door and if you are not extremely careful he will lead you into the room. This is the very reason Scripture instructs us not to give the devil a “foothold” (Ephesians 4:27). With him, you just don’t go there.

You just don’t flirt back with the attractive person flirting with you if there is a band of commitment on the ring finger of your left hand. It is not simply innocent fun and you just don’t go there.

You just don’t open that first page or click on that first button to expose yourself to questionable and spiritually harmful images. There is a sharp hook behind this bait. You just don’t go there.

You just don’t go into that internet chat room and allow yourself to be drawn into this world of deception. You just don’t go there.

You stay away from the questionable movie, the song with the degrading lyrics, the people who promote ungodliness. You just don’t go there.

“There” is where Satan tells his lies, baits his snares and does his damage. “There” is where families are ruined, lives are destroyed and souls are lost. But don’t just believe me. Consider what James through the Spirit of God said:

“But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” (James 1:14-15)

We simply cannot afford to allow temptation to drag us by our desires to a date with sin which, if we keep company with long enough, will destroy us. We just don’t ever go there in the first place.

We rely on God’s wisdom and “avoid every kind of evil.” (1^st Thessalonians 4:22) We pray to our Father to “lead us not into temptation.” (Matthew 6:13) We faithfully “resist the devil” so he will “flee” from us. (James 4:7)

Remember the door.  When Satan knocks at ours we simply refuse to open it- period- not even for a peek.  We just don’t even go there.

This is my follow-up post to “But You’re a Preacher”. I want to visit this topic once more before moving on. My focus here is broader, of course, than the previous post and- as I try to communicate with the cute little “101″ addition to the title- it will only touch the surface of this complex challenge. And because I am in a “just the facts. ma’am” writing mood, I will cut the fluff and get right to the main points. As always I would appreciate your shared wisdom on this topic.

Here are some simple truths about divorce recovery:

• There is no set formula. Recovery happens in different ways for different people.
• There is no projected time-frame. Again, different people handle their recovery on different schedules. Anyone suggesting it is time “to get over it” to someone recovering from a divorce has usually never been through a divorce themselves.
• Recovery can happen! For those immersed in recent divorce this is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually they can see it and embrace it.

Here is what I see as key elements in the process of recovery:

• Survival. At first, this is the main priority. For anyone left in the shock waves of an unwanted and unanticipated separation and divorce, it is just about making it- one day at a time. And just a footnote here for those wanting to help during this stage- just be there for your hurting friends. Words and cliches like “time heals all wounds”- even spoken in the best of intentions don’t help. Just be there.
• Counsel. I would highly recommend anyone going through divorce to seek counseling- specifically Christian counseling. A good counselor will help sort out all of the many powerful emotions felt in the aftermath of divorce and suggest helpful and healthy ways of processing them. Without this kind of guidance you may turn to other much more spiritually damaging ways to process the anger and hurt you feel. This path will not aid in healthy recovery and may only compound your challenges.
• Write. This was a major catharsis for me. My counselor encouraged me- when I was overwhelmed with emotion- to write it all out, often in the form of a letter addressed to my ex-spouse. Write, then set the letter aside, sleep on it and then re-read it the next day. After this reading in the light of a new day- then decide to send it or throw it away. Many, many letters ended up as a crumpled ball in the waste basket, but just the process of freely expressing these emotions was powerful therapy.
• Surround yourself with support. This goes beyond counseling to your friends. Close friends and family go through divorce with you and sometimes this process is too painful for them and a distance is created between you. Don’t dwell on that. Other friends may be there for you, but their attitude may not be helpful in a recovery process. So, try to surround yourself with folks who will be a positive support- folks who will gently help you move forward with your life.
• Try something new. In my divorce recovery process I found two new passions- regular exercise and snow skiing. I joined a gym and turned into a gym rat. In some ways it was an escape, but the exercise had very positive results in aiding my recovery. I also found the beauty and thrill of skiing to be a releasing experience. Look for something new to get involved in- that is just your thing. It will be more helpful than your may realize at the time.
• But don’t overreact. I did. I went out on a date one week after my divorce was final. Big mistake. I traded in my comfy truck for a Mustang which I could barely fit into. I corrected that about a year later! lol Let the healing take place naturally and don’t rush it by jumping into to things too early.  They could bring more complications than you need at that point in your recovery.
• Acceptance. This has to come- this acceptance of divorce and life as it is. This is not about defeat but about a new reality- one in which there are unique opportunities to serve God as a single person. Related to this, there also has to be an acceptance of the fact that many of the “why” questions will not be answered- ever. This was not easy for me- at first- but eventually it no longer mattered.
• Forgive. This is the most important point by far. This too will come- in time- by letting God lead and working through the recovery process. Forgiveness is the vital element in recovery and being able to fully engage life again. At least it was for me. When I wrote that letter- and mailed it- it fully opened up the next chapter in my life. I was no longer held prisoner by anger, bitterness, hopelessness or any other negative emotion. Unless we fully forgive we will not fully recover.

These are the bascis which helped in my personal recovery journey. The best news in all of this- no matter what form healthy recovery may take- is that God is faithful through it all. His constant source of love, acceptance and hope is the anchor of real recovery. Don’t- in reacting from being put in this unwated divorce situation- neglect your relationship with him. Regardless of how it may “feel”, he will never leave you or forsake you.

Wow, such a short course on such a complicated issue, but I hope you know- if you are going through a divorce- that healing and recovery is not only possible, in God, it is assured. Hang in there with him and see where he takes you on this journey. Wherever it goes- it will be refreshing.

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You are invited to check out this new blog by Danny Holman. Danny is the preacher for my home church in Greenville, MS. 

With a nod to John Denver- the sunshine on my shoulders feels great today in Florida. It won’t be too long until the days warm up enough for the beach to really be inviting.

Thanks for the positive reception of my previous post. The discussion there is still ongoing and I soon plan a follow-up post.

Recently I have connected with old friends. My old Sardis Lake Christian Camp buddy Tom Lynch who preaches in the Nashville area emailed a couple of weeks ago. Back in the day at SLCC we had a blast. One of my former elders, Richard Peace, who now lives and continues his shepherding work in Paris, TX also emailed. He and his wonderful wife Connelle are doing great. I also enjoyed a recent phone conversation with Eddie Lewis. Eddie is on staff at the Germantown church near Memphis. He and his sweet wife Judy (who stays busy in her counseling work) are blessing many in that area through their ministries. And it has also been wonderful to reconnect with Otis Bowman who preaches for the Johnson Grove Church of Christ in Brookhaven, MS.

Speaking of Otis, a young man- Bubby Rushing- from his congregation will spend part of his summer here at Gateway as my preaching intern. I am excited about this- especially after meeting Bubby and his family. The Johnson Grove church is demonstrating great vision by sponsoring Bubby and encouraging his pursuit of ministry in this way. I received help from Robert Oglesby of the Waterview congregation in Richardson, TX in putting together this program. Robert has had summer preaching interns for many years and is a pioneer in this type of training.

Terri and I are looking foward to soon heading to the Pepperdine Bible Lectures on the campus of Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. This is such an uplifting event. Terri and I are scheduled to co-teach a class entitled “In the Belly of the Whale”. Terri is very nervous, but I am confident that she will do extremely well. If you have never attended this lecture I encourage you to consider it. Jerry Rushford and crew do an outstanding job of putting this together and hosting it- and the view just can’t be beat!

Before we leave for the lectures we will enjoy one of the highlights of the year at Gateway. Every April we host a benefit talent show for our Lithuania camp summer mission team. This year it will feature all in-house Gateway “talent”. We use that word loosely around here since I am on the roster to sing a Hank Jr. song, a Waylon Jennings tune (as a part of a medley) and to be one of the Temptations! It all should be a hoot.

If you get a minute check out this new blog. My friend Jim Miller is hoping it will become a focal point for discussing Christian singles ministry. 

I would also reccomend you reading Bobby Valentine’s latest post. Very powerful indeed.

As always- thanks for stopping by the blog!

We all know that divorce happens. It happens quite frequently actually with one out of two marriages ending up shattered. It has long since been shocking news to hear of divorce- with perhaps one exception. Yes, divorce happens, but it is just not supposed to happen to our preachers.

Yet, it does. And unfortunately with increasing regularity. I know. I am a divorced preacher. And I am aware of a number of my brothers in this growing fraternity.

It is not like we wanted this. We did not seek it out. For reasons maybe we know and for reasons we quite probably will never know- it happened. Our mates decided life was better without us.  None of the brothers I am personally acquainted with were ready for this- who is- but we were left to deal with it anyway. For most us it was/is a painful journey full of doubt, self-blame, shame, remorse, anger, bitterness, fear, loneliness, tears and questions- many, many questions.

One question we ask- unlike most others going down this rugged path- is about our life calling and vocation. For we know all-to-well that preachers are not supposed to be divorced. I have known more than one brother who was cast aside by his church leadership after being cast aside by his wife.

But thankfully, this seems to be occurring with much less frequency and I praise God for that. Actually more churches and church leaders- from what I am seeing- are managing to hang in there with their preacher during these difficult days. It is virtually impossible for me to completely express just what this means.

In my experience it meant practically everything. Had I lost my church relationships after losing my marital relationship I quite possibly could not have ever recovered. I still praise God for the Skyway Hills congregation and her leaders who being hurt and confused themselves did not give up on me.

I think this is a true statement: No church is ever ready or prepared for their preacher to be divorced. As far as I know there are no prep courses on our Christian college campuses educating churches to deal with this.

With that in mind I offer this- some general advice- if (God forbid) divorce comes to your preacher.

• Let love reign. In every possible way to everyone involved please be guided by love. Refrain from using harsh words (usually enough of them to go around anyway) about anyone. Be gentle in reacting because precious souls can be hanging in the balance. Try not to burn bridges. Who but God knows what might happen in the future to redeem relationships. Minister in love even to the one who left, but especially to the one left alone. He already feels unlovable.
• Be patient. Don’t overreact or jump to conclusions. Avoid quick judgments and attaching blame. Even if you do not possess all the facts (and you won’t- perhaps ever) patiently support your preacher. Normally it is going to take him some time to begin to recover and even longer to completely heal. Encourage and even pay for counseling for him and his family. Consider offering him an initial sabbatical from preaching duties. It is extremely difficult to feed the sheep when you have been completely and totally emptied.
• Be protective. Sadly, there are some who react with neither love nor patience when their preacher divorces. They either threaten to leave or in fact do leave his church. This just makes the already painful situation even worse. Trust me on this one- on top of all of the other shame and blame the preacher is feeling- he will blame himself for this too. He will view it as another abandonment he created. Leaders, please protect your preacher as much as possible for this kind of blow. It is hurt heaped on hurt.
• “Do the right thing”. Our elders at Skyway back in 1994 were no more prepared to handle a divorced preacher than an alien landing on the church parking lot! lol  They did however find an eldership who had dealt with this and met with them seeking guidance. I will never forget the oldest member of this visiting eldership describe what they did after their preacher divorced. “We decided to do the right thing” he stated. They stuck by their friend and brother back during an age when this was even more uncommon. Looking back- this elder could only have been God-sent.

Okay, admittedly I am writing this fourteen years after the fact. The pain I felt then is only reflected now in that of others on this journey. Forgiveness has long since erased the bitterness. Like Job, God has blessed me now even more abundantly than before.

But I will always be a divorced preacher.

And I always shudder when I think of where I might be now if my family and friends- God’s family- had not stood with me- even when it had to have been difficult to do so -during those dark days.

I thank God for them and ask you- if divorce ever happens to your preacher- to follow their courageous course.